Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Sunny's Imperative

The character I have called Sunny, The Sinner, is the first of Aurora's spirits. She is first because her primary imperative is repentance, contrition, confession. Repenting means dealing with shame. Her pathway, her life story is nothing if not a course of uncovering shame. Without dealing with shame, no progress can be made.

Here is an interesting blog by Frank Chimero about the rising consciousness of shame.

It always feels like there’s a comedian willing to address contemporary concerns with insight and honesty for each moment in time. All the greats had their focus: Richard Pryor and Chris Rock had race, George Carlin had absurdity, and I think Louis has hit on some sort of subterranean undercurrent of emotion that I didn’t realize might be swelling until I listened more closely: shame.

http://blog.frankchimero.com/post/14480225720

Laughter is a way of uncovering shame, but really dealing with the cause of shame is necessarily painful. Like peeling a dressing off a wound, uncovering shame will hurt, but this is the way to a cure.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Hollow Man writes to Leo

Today I had a meal at a restaurant at the summit of a hill high above Whale Beach, one of Sydney's picturesque northern beaches. The morning sunlight reflected brilliant white off the broad expanse of the Pacific. Frothy waves licked the sand far below reminding me of the view from 36 floors above Surfers Paradise that I shared with Leo.

After a sumptuous breakfast I flicked my phone and found an email I had written to Leo after he'd returned to Argentina.

I had the apartment cleaned today. I'm sure the agent will be happy with it. Today I was very busy because it was my last day at work and I had to get my remaining customers' paperwork completed before the end of the day. In the end I was pleased with the number of sales I made here in the Gold Coast. My boss wanted me to stay longer but couldn't get it approved. But now I am glad to be leaving. It's not the same for me now.
When I came home I cooked turkey breasts with potato and peas. I thought of you and our delicious dinners together. I miss you like hell! It's surprising. I look at the surf, I play with your orange "Smiley Face", I hear music, I clean the oven, I wash your sheets and towels, I see your keys on the table, I want to text you through the day, I watch the sky at night, and especially the moon, and I want to turn around and see you. In the morning it seems so strange to boil the water for my coffee and know that you can't hear it and know that when I look towards the study I see the stupid blue sofa and not the curve of your sleeping back. I'm surprised by the way this makes me feel a tightness in my guts.
I realise that I lived a long time without having a friend like you. I now know how empty such a life would be without a friend. I thought I didn't need to care. But I do. You made me care, and respect and listen and learn and enjoy and share. Thank you.
I remember telling you that I could afford to live in the apartment alone, but I wanted to share it because living with someone was more "human". Perhaps I didn't notice at the time, but you made me more human.
I wish you happiness, safety, freedom, creativity and love.

I felt I'd just been slapped on both sides of my face, once by Marco's neediness and once by his generous love. His feelings seem more real than my own right now.