Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Princess and The Castle

From afar I see the high stone walls surrounding the castle. Sunlight warms the sandstone so that it glows softly golden. Approaching the base I can barely see the top of the ramparts. I am overcome by a longing to secrete myself within these walls. I run, searching for a doorway, a gate, even just a crack or a hole to crawl through. I know that somewhere behind these mighty stones lie my home and family. Yet I am still cut off, unseen and unknown. I cry though I know that I am still out of earshot. Inside, unknowingly, my new family, my new life, awaits me. Perhaps it is not yet my time, but I will keep searching for a way in. I will keep pounding and scratching these walls until something gives way and I break through. I need to be there. I have been alone on the outside for too long. Sadness drains my strength and dilutes my blood.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Samurai Warrior

Who is Larry Ellison? He's the CEO of Oracle, the world's second largest software company. He's a samurai.

"Ellison has created Oracle in his own image. Now in his late 50s, tall and trim, he has kept himself in excellent shape. His hair is still dark, running to reddish; he has brown eyes and a short beard that helps to camouflage his long jaw. Ellison radiates enthusiasm and charm. He's animated and engaging on stage, at his best in informal Q&A sessions where he can rap with the crowd."

"A fan of, and expert on, Japanese culture, he sees himself as a samurai warrior. He also likes to quote a saying attributed to Genghis Khan: 'It is not sufficient that I succeed. Everyone else must fail.'"

The Samurai Warrior understands danger. He has been injured many times in his life, but he is stronger for it. He has developed resilience. He tells you that you can defeat evildoers by means of your power, but true power lies in fearlessness. Be willing to assess risks and to know when to strike or flee. Like a Ninja you can cloak yourself in invisibility and reappear in another guise within your enemy’s defenses. Fearlessness is not recklessness. It is born of justice and love of one’s enemies. He tells you to study, appreciate and learn from your enemies. By means of the principles of justice you will come to love them too.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Hollow Man

My shrink listens patiently. I've almost never been happy. I need to feel safe to feel happy. I like locked rooms and bright lighting. I don't like people. I'm trapped by fear. He returns to the room naked and sits opposite me again. He says nothing but I know what he means: Do not be afraid. I lay my head in his lap and hold him, looking into the log fire. I start to feel better, then he is gone. I'm alone again. Was he not real?

It's winter and it's been snowing. A large, unfinished wooden-framed house is before me; it's my house.  A voice tells me "Abandoning your fake self is like burning down a beautiful, architecturally designed house. You have spent so long designing and constructing it, you are horrified by the thought of its destruction, the waste." I walk toward the house and set fire to it. I feel the heat of the fire but I'm trembling, shivering. The flames illuminate the tracks of my tears.


I'm alone here, in a new city. I can see the city lights below. The room is white, fine white sheets, in a tangle; white quilt, I'm too hot, then too cold. It's quiet, except for the underground house music on my headphones. I eat a mandarin from a white porcelain plate; the smell fills the room and slowly fades. It's after two AM; should I try to sleep? I see my hands in the mirror, whose hands are they? They look old. The music pauses and I hear my breathing, slowly in, slowly out, slowly in, slowly marking time. I'm reminded of "2001", I'm Dave Bowman, an astronaut aging silently as time accelerates. I have been alive so long. I am slowly decaying at my core but this pain will not release me. A cup of tea allows me to focus on a new aroma, warm, organic, complex and subtle. Time stops while I drink the tea... and then I'm back in the room again. My eyes are heavy. Oxygen.